where I came from

Slightly depressing post, skip at your leisure...

Abused husbands exist. We are phantoms in the modern ideology, but we are here. We survive day to day and some of us get out. We make a drastic life changing decision to walk away from what is comfortable. Yes Comfortable, no mater how familiar it is. Pain can be comfortable.

The worst thing thinking back to when I allowed myself to be used and abused is that much of it I did to myself. I was bound by guilt and fear. I beat myself down in the name of "Doing the right thing"

I allowed myself to believe what was being said about me and the image that was being portrayed even though I knew it to be lies.

I knew what I was doing to myself and to my child was wrong and the guilt drove me to the brink of death.

I walked away and still allowed myself to be abused. I was lambasted and even nearly ran over by a Buick. I was taken advantage of and felt guilt for not doing more.

One day as I was becoming what I hated, becoming a user, I met a Woman who offered me .. not love; but unconditional affection.

I ran like hell. I was more afraid of this than anything I had ever encountered. I went to ground and hid in a safe spot. From that safe spot I began to grow and eventually was fortunate enough to grow beyond my experience and grow enough that I could have a real, lasting relationship.

In time I found my Wife, we argue fight and spat and then we hold each other keeping warm against the cold fear of night.

I have written this before and deleted it. I am in hopes I don't this time.

I _was_ an abused husband. Emotionally and mentally abused. I was an abused man. I am fortunate now to be a cherished partner in a real relationship. I am fortunate to acknowledge that I deserve to be respected.

We exist.